An interview with two iconic horror villains

Hello, Superfans!

I have something a bit different for you today. You’ve already heard Michael Myers talk about Halloween Ends and the Halloween franchise as a whole.

Today, he brought an old friend for some holiday reminiscing: Jason Voorhees, New Jersey’s hulking killer camper and camper killer.

I asked these mercurial movie villains some provocative questions. They were kind enough to keep their hardware at their sides and let their mouths do the talking.

Me: Thanks for agreeing to this interview.

Jason: Welcome. Michael said more to you in two interviews than he said in sixty hours onscreen and hundreds offscreen. I had to see what lured him off his metaphorical mute button.

Michael: Great conversation, that’s what.

Jason: They call that a monologue.

Michael: I’m a great listener, too. And glad to chatting again. Bringing Jason is a huge plus, figuratively and literally. He gets me in ways you can’t.

Me: I can only imagine. Have you two ever thought about speaking onscreen?

Michael and Jason: NO.

Jason: But I can raise my machete if you can’t hear it.

Michael: Go easy on him. He’s writing your dialogue.

Me: What do you remember most about each other’s first movies?

Jason: Halloween was freakin’ cool. I wanted to be Michael Myers.

Michael: Friday the 13th was crap. Jason’s cameo at the end was the only good thing about it.

Jason: I should kill you now. My Mom DIED in that movie.

Michael: My sister died in mine.

Jason: I should kill you for that, too. Your sister was hot.

Michael: I don’t remember any attractive people getting a free pass in your movies.

Jason: That’s how it was written.

Michael: Matter of fact, I don’t remember ANYONE getting a free pass in your movies.

Jason thinks about that.

Jason: Next question?

Me: Michael’s been very vocal about the Halloween franchise’s writing. What are your thoughts on the Friday the 13th franchise’s writing?

Jason: Let’s just say the biggest hack on set wasn’t me.

Michael: We’ve both had to live—or die—with some ridiculous writing decisions.

Jason: I went to outer space.

Michael: I lived in the sewer.

Jason: My screenwriter wrote a knock off of your first movie.

Michael: You got the girl in the end of yours, though. My girl rejected me, and my own doctor shot six times.

Jason: I’ll give you that one.

Michael: I also have to say that your last movie was among the franchise’s best.

Jason: Thank you. It’s like that saying about the broken clock being right twice every day.

Michael: Now, you just need it to be right ONE more time...

Jason: Exactly. And I envy you. Your first movie was killer.

Michael: Thanks.

Jason: Still trying to figure out Halloween III, and the cult thing, and Kills and Ends…

Michael: I’ll save you the trouble: Don’t.

Me: Have you two ever thought about going to head to head in a movie?

Jason: We’ve talked a bit. Freddy Versus Jason soured me on crossovers for a while, though. I should’ve won an Oscar for making it look like he could throw me around.

Michael: That was hilarious. Freddy’s wily and menacing, but he’s not imposing.

Jason: He joked about that a lot on set.

Michael: That’s cool.

Jason: His thinking was, as long as the checks keep clearing…

Michael (miming striking someone with a paddle): Whack! Thank you, sir! May I have another?

Jason: Yup. And to be fair, Freddy had to shoulder the dialogue to keep things a bit more interesting.

Michael: I LOVE not having to memorize dialogue. I’m ready for filming on day one.

Jason: Same. I’m pure method.

Me: Who’d win if you two did go head to head? 

A prolonged silence ensures as they eye each other, pondering the question…

Jason: I’ve got a serious size advantage.

Michael: Somewhat makes up for your serious disadvantages in other key areas.

Jason: Such as?

Michael: Let’s just say you’ll never be on Jeopardy.

Jason: I’m not a bookish kind of guy. Street smarts are my thing.

Michael: Rural New Jersey streets. Not suburban or urban streets.

Jason: That’s tough talk coming from a guy who works one day a year.

Michael: I prefer the phrase “seasonal volunteer.”

Jason: No season lasts one day.

Michael: I’m a specialist.

Jason: I’d take your word for it, but where’s the fun in that?

Jason rises from his seat and gestures to the hallway outside of the room.

Jason: Little friendly tune up?

Michael rises from his seat.

Michael: I could stretch my legs.

Me: Hey guys, how about you…

They swivel their heads toward me.

Me: Take your time.

Jason faces Michael and gestures to the door. Michael doesn’t move. Jason raises a hand in “Okay, I’ll go first” fashion and leads the way out. Michael falls in behind him.

The door shuts quietly.

Bodies hit the wall with thunderous THUDS. Metal CLANGS. This goes on for the longest minute in recent memory before there’s silence again.

The door opens. Jason enters with Michael in tow. Both are bleeding. They sit, still at first, before turning their heads toward me.

Me: Do either of you need med—…

Michael cocks his head in that all-too-familiar way. Jason remains still.

Me: If you’d recorded that, you’d break the internet.

Jason: Saving THAT for the teaser.

Michael: And all of the zeroes in those checks would come first.

Jason raises a bloody hammer of a fist toward Michael, who fists bumps him with his own grimy, bloody fist.

Me: Any parting thoughts for your fan bases?

Jason: Thanks for your support over the years. I’ve got plenty left in the tank, and I’m still jacked. If you want more, get the conversation started on social media.

Michael: Thanks for everything. I see your branded hoodies, and tee shirts, and memes. It means a lot. I’d love you guys if I wasn’t a psychopathic serial killer. Let’s manifest this.

Jason: Make. It. HAPPEN!

That’s an edition! Let me know which other horror villains you’d like me to interview.

Next week will be 2024’s LAST edition.

Have a great week ahead!